Strengthening My Relationship

How do I get out of an unhealthy relationship?

No relationship is perfect. In any relationship, dating or marriage, current or future, you’ll experience ups and downs with your partner. But how do you know if a relationship is unhealthy? And what should you do about it?

According to Love is respect, all relationships exist on a spectrum that ranges from healthy to abusive, with unhealthy relationships landing somewhere in the middle. In unhealthy relationships, one person attempts to exert power over another to control them. Abusive relationships take that imbalance even further with one person making all the decisions—about sex, friend groups, boundaries, and more. The abusive partner may even try to check your phone, email, and social media accounts without permission or be prone to extreme fits of jealousy and mood swings. Power and control can exist in different ways in unhealthy and abusive relationships.

Setting and respecting boundaries is essential to any relationship. If you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, know that the abuse is not your fault and you deserve to be safe. No one deserves to experience abuse.

Here are some tips for breaking up with a partner¹:

• Identify your support system–friends, family, teachers, coworkers, etc.—and lean on them when necessary.
• Tell your friends, parents, or a trusted adult that you’ve decided to end your relationship, especially if you think your ex will try to confront you when you’re alone.
• Write down your reasons for ending the relationship, and keep them as a reminder for times when you miss your ex. It’s normal to miss them, even if they have been abusive to you. Give a copy to someone you trust that you consider part of your support system.
• Set boundaries for after the relationship ends. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page in terms of communication. Consider taking a break from social media for a while after the breakup.
• Create a safety plan. This is a plan that’s personalized to your situation and designed to lower your risk of getting hurt when leaving an abusive situation. Creating a safety plan will help you prepare for different scenarios and figure out what places or people feel unsafe to you—before you initiate the break up.
• If you don’t feel safe, don’t break up in person. It may feel cowardly or mean, but sometimes the safest way to break up is by phone, text, or DM.
• If you break up in person, always do it in a public place. Make sure you have a friend or your parents wait nearby. Take your phone with you!

Remember that it’s not only okay to ask for help, asking for help is a sign of strength. You can access 24/7 support by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or by texting START to 88788.